I speak to the woman leaning against the wall. The forceful persona emanating from her when she arrived is gone. She appears drained, if not defeated.

“All right. You claim that there is a connection between your baby and me. How do I wake her up?”

Her answer is barely more than a whisper. “I have no idea. I am so sorry that I didn’t wait another day or two.”

I reply, “Yeah, I get that, but as you said, we’re in a hurry. What about you, Father? You say that you’ve tried this before. What did you and they try? Maybe we can figure something out from those attempts, or, at least, avoid past mistakes.”

Father says, “I’m happy to summarize my prior attempts, but I’m unsure how useful they’ll be. Earth Baby was not mature enough to be born back then, so I had different objectives.”

I persist, “Still, perhaps these other people found ways to make better connections with Earth Baby. Maybe we can learn something from them.”

Father smiles, “Sure, why not. I’ve appeared countless times over the years, mostly in Africa and Asia, trying to guide civilization. But, three people stand out to me: Mo, Sid, and Josh.

“I met Mo about 3,500 years ago in northern Africa. He was a charismatic leader and a devout Jew. I really liked him. However, he never truly understood my intent because it didn’t align with his religious views or immediate situation. Still, I managed to help him out, and he used what he learned from me to improve humanity. Although, much like Jake, once I got his attention, I never could convince him that I’m not God.”

Jake says, “Hey, I’m not Jewish.”

Mother grumbles, “Jake, that wasn’t what he meant. Why don’t you be a dear and put on a pot of coffee? This conversation will take all night if my husband doesn’t get to the point. Skip all the background material and tell her about what happened.”

Father glares at her and continues. “The background is necessary here. You see, while Mo had a connection to our baby, it was far too soon to induce birth. So, my objective became one of shaping our baby’s character. Remember, if we’re successful, she will awaken having the memories and personalities of everyone who has ever lived. Your mother and I would prefer those to be the traits of decent people rather than jerks.

“So, I tried to influence the man, but he ignored me because he was so busy. You see, Mo used his insights into people’s thoughts and desires to become an astute political leader, despite his heritage.”

Mother noted, “Yes, he didn’t just use his gift to take dinner orders, like some people.”

“Honey, comments like that don’t help. But you are correct. Mo’s abilities helped him become the leader of the Jewish people, who were being persecuted. His mind was occupied trying to think of ways to protect them while walking some fine, political lines. He had no time for me, so I decided to do something grand to get his attention. You’re going to love this. I appeared to him as a talking, flaming bush. Now, that was something even he couldn’t ignore!”

I interject, “Wait, are you talking about Moses?”

Father laughs, “Yeah, that was his full name. When we finally met, Mo was astonished by how I recognized him and knew his name. I couldn’t very well tell him that I was also the schmuck who had been badgering him for months on end.

“All Mo was interested in was his people, and I knew that I’d never get his undivided attention until they were safe. I explained that the Egyptians were never going to accept Jewish people and that he needed to lead them out of there. He gave me all sorts of lame excuses and wouldn’t agree to leave until I assured him that I’d go with him. Even then, I don’t think he’d have done anything if I hadn’t turned up the heat from my bush.

“Anyway, I gave him the time and date of the next ebb tide, and I might’ve temporarily tweaked the moon’s gravitational pull to make it unusually low. He then did some incredibly creative storytelling about a series of natural disasters caused by a recent drought to engineer an opportunity to escape. He even performed a miracle of his own. Mo convinced hundreds of Jewish mothers to shlep their families into the desert without so much as a decent meal. He didn’t even let them prepare anything to nosh on the trip!”

Father chuckled at that memory before continuing. “So, Mo got his people out before the tide came in and led them to safety. I probably wouldn’t have chosen to live in a desert, but Mo had a plan. For some reason, I’ve never understood; everybody seemed to hate the Jews. So, he chose a place where no one else wanted to live so they could be alone. I agreed, hoping that the isolation would provide enough peace for him to listen to me. But I was wrong.

“Sure, people were no longer being tortured or killed, but desert living is challenging. Mo continued to ignore me, spending all his time worrying about survival. Once again, I needed to refocus his attention. This time I settled in as a massive, black cloud atop a nearby mountain and waited.

“Mo scaled the mountain, as I had hoped, and asked what I wanted. My goal was simple, and I could barely contain my excitement after finally getting his attention.  I needed the world populated with lots of decent people. So, I told him to spread the message that the secrets to eternal happiness are to breed like bunnies, be kind, and stop killing each other.

“Do you know his response? The schmuck said, ‘Could you write that down?’ I was so upset that I nearly smote him with a lightning bolt then and there. But I controlled my temper and handed him a piece of parchment with written instructions simple enough for anyone to understand:

Stop killing people, make babies, and be nice.

“I remember Mo staring at the sheet for a long time before asking, ‘Is that it?’ I swear the electricity was tingling in my fingertips. Fortunately, before I did something rash, he explained how his people needed explicit instructions and a miraculous delivery to be convinced. He claimed that if he marched down the mountain with a piece of parchment, they would think that he had written it himself.

“The guy had a point, but I was still in a foul mood. I came up with a list of, perhaps, a dozen, off-the-cuff instructions and engraved them into a couple of large, flat rocks. As I said, I was in a bad mood, so the wording on the first two tablets wound up being a bit forceful.

“I took Mo’s advice and began by underscoring that his people need to pay attention to me and my instructions instead of fast-talking schmendricks with flashy idols and big promises. I added that they need to respect their mother and me and not to kvetch about these rules because I knew they would. Then, I added some obvious directives about not killing, stealing or lying.

“At that point, I read what I wrote and decided it was a bit off-putting. So, I decided to wrap my message up on a positive note. I carved my two most-important instructions in large letters on the third stone. I told Mo’s people to be nice to each other and to make lots of babies.

“The resulting tablets with their commanding messages were impressive. However, I admit that I also felt a kind of perverse satisfaction watching Mo schlep off carrying those three heavy stones. I bet he wished he had stuck with that nice, light parchment more than once as he hiked down that long, mountain trail.”

Jake had returned with the coffee as Father finished his story. We glance at each other with knowing grins, silently agreeing not to mention the comment we are dying to say. Instead, my friend pours the coffee and asks, “You also mentioned someone named Josh. What was his story?”

Father leans back and closes his eyes. I’m unsure whether he’s trying to form his story or merely enjoying the nutty aroma steaming off his hot drink. I suspect that both are true as he begins speaking without opening his eyes.

“I really liked Josh. He lived a good 1,500 years later. But, like Mo, Josh was a devout Jew and used his connection to our child to become a strong leader. Oh, and before you ask, his full name was Yeshua, which translates to Joshua in your language.

“I noticed Josh’s connection to Earth Baby when he was in his late twenties and tried to help him. By now, I knew that there still weren’t enough minds saved to awaken our child, so I wanted Josh to influence the world positively. Unfortunately, he was a pretty angry young man.

“You see, the Jews of that era were not nearly as persecuted as in Mo’s time. However, the price for this acceptance involved spending considerable time focusing on financial and commerce activities. Josh wasn’t entirely opposed to this but felt that the people of his faith had taken secular blending too far. In his opinion, Jewish leaders were more focused on money than spirituality.

“He had built quite a following by the time I discovered him, and his group was becoming violent and destructive. I wanted to redirect them into a more positive direction but chose not to appear as a mystical being this time. Instead, I whispered in Josh’s ear when he slept and took him on a few journeys like our trip to Mars.

“I told him about how everyone’s souls are saved in the mind of a creature of light. I explained that our baby would live forever after she is born. I said that she was both the creator of life on Earth and the grand sum of the minds of every creature who has ever lived. In short, she created humanity and every person is a part of her. I shared that he had a special connection to her, which was why I, the father of all life on Earth, was speaking to him. And, I let him know that I would return when our child was ready so that everyone would be reborn.

“Well, this approach generally went better than the one I chose with Mo, but Josh clearly didn’t fully understand. Josh thought that I was God as well. When he taught my message to his friends, he crafted concepts like Heaven, angels, and Judgement Day. His explanation of how all three characters, Josh, our baby, and me, are the same thing in some sort of holy trinity even confused me.

“But his friends politely nodded and followed his teachings, which were mostly about being kind, making babies, and not killing people. This behavior was what I desired, so I overlooked his misrepresentations and lingered nearby to help him out as much as possible.

“I hadn’t provided Josh with any impressive theatrics or carved documents, so I needed to help him prove his validity in more subtle ways. I performed tricks like feeding and healing people but always made it appear as though Josh was doing the magic. I genuinely believe that he thought he was performing these miracles himself, and he garnered a massive following as word went out.

“The sad thing was that his notoriety grew significant enough to become threatening to some influential people. He was convicted on some trumped-up charges and put to death.

“I felt awful because I was the one who got him the publicity that ultimately killed him. Besides, his movement had a powerful message and was just getting started. So, I hid his body and appeared in his likeness for several weeks. I popped around the region, continuing his teachings and performing miracles before making a spectacular exit. By the way, this is how he looked, and I was dressed like him at our first meeting when you accused me of reeking like a camel.”

We move to some more comfortable chairs in the lounge area to munch a dessert sampler that Jake brought out. I lick the sugary crumbs from a cannoli off of my fingers and note, “These are great stories, Father, but they don’t help us out at all, do they?”

Father sips his java, muttering, “Nope. I warned you they wouldn’t be helpful.”

Mother reaches for a miniature Linzer torte and suggests that Father’s work with Sid might provide better insights. Father begins after a nod and a gentle blow on the fresh coffee Jake had just poured.

“Sid lived in Asia sometime between Mo and Josh, and he couldn’t have been more different than those two. Sid was a spoiled rich kid who had just discovered that the world isn’t perfect when we met. He had gone on vacation, strolled off the resort, and witnessed poverty for the first time. The kid was pretty upset and looking for meaning when I found him.

“I was still annoyed at Mo and the difficulty I had getting him to listen to me. So, I didn’t feel like tagging alongside this pampered brat for weeks trying to get his attention. I also hoped that Sid might have a chance to awaken our baby. After all, a thousand years had passed since my previous attempt, and there were a lot more people in the world. This time, I tried a more direct approach with some theatrics mixed in, right from the start.

“Sid was upset by what he had seen. He was sulking in his room and hadn’t eaten anything for two days. Now, there is no better mindset for a revelation experience than while being hungry and distraught. I appeared in his room as a wispy, glowing, blue light and hooked him immediately. I explained how the Earth contains an ethereal being of pure energy and that everyone’s mind is a part of it. He could already sense his connection to the memory repository, and I shared that he needed to strengthen that link. I told him to leave his life of riches and seek a teacher to help him communicate with this spiritual being.

“Let me tell you. This approach was brilliant. No more scurrying beside some guy, trying to get his attention. This time my student came to me, begging to hear my message. It worked fabulously, and we spent many years together. Sid achieved the most robust connection of anyone I’ve ever met. However, I discovered that there were still not enough people in the world to awaken Earth Baby.

“When I eventually realized that our attempts were not going to work, I sent Sid out to spread a philosophy of peace. At the very least, I figured he would help fill our baby’s mind with nice people.”

I asked, “I’ve never heard of any major religious leader named Sid. Was he successful?”

Father took another sip of coffee and nodded his head. “Yes, his teachings continue to have a positive impact around the world. He misunderstood that I was trying to awaken our child and focused on enlightening people about their spirituality. He changed his name to Buddy and spent the remainder of his life guiding people in meditation and demonstrating a way of living in pursuit of enlightenment.

“I’d love to teach you the meditation techniques Sid and I developed. I do not doubt they would help you to better communicate with Earth Baby. But, developing those skills takes years, and we don’t have the time.”

I sigh. While Father’s last story was more relevant, it wasn’t any more helpful. I only have a few hours before the end of the world and would never learn to meditate and attain enlightenment like Buddha before then.